Baby Loss Thoughts
We are approaching five months since we lost our baby girl, Madeline. I find myself wanting to share more about what we’ve gone through / what I still feel like I am going through.
Why am I choosing to share this online?
Great question. In the last month or so I guess I have come to the realization that there’s a lot I haven’t processed and need to heal from with this experience. My therapist has been so patient and kind to help me navigate ways to express some of what I’m feeling in a productive way and blogging was something we’ve come back to in discussion over and over. Do I feel like I can talk to people about this IRL? Truthfully, not really beyond my husband. And there are a lot of reasons for that - it isn’t that I don’t have a great support network. It’s more so I don’t want to hinder them when they’re going through such positive family-growing experiences or they’re equally burdened with grief of their own. It’s complicated. Blogging feels like a way to open that door for friends / family / acquaintances who want to listen or help but don’t want to make it awkward (trust me it is just as awkward for me as it is you.) People sometimes check in or ask how I’m doing and I really don’t know. The closer we get to her due date the more sorrow I feel.
Thoughts regarding losing our daughter
This is kind of a brain dump I made in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep earlier this week. It’s a list of the things that come up lately.
All the things I imagined… Barbie, American Girl, dress up, princess movies, playing salon. Videos pop up all the time or ads. This was something that I really didn’t anticipate being so difficult about grieving during the holiday season. I know had things gone right, she woudn’t have even been born for this past Christmas and I (and my husband) would try to brush these thoughts off with this logic but it still stung.
Burial vs cremation. I sometimes wish we had chose to bury her body instead of cremate. In the moment it felt like this massive decision and really only cremation made sense at that time because Darrell and I don’t have plots purchased nor do we even know where we’d want to be. But yeah, I do often wish we could go somewhere to place flowers or better explain it to the boys as they grow up. Her urn is really beautiful and I am equally grateful to have her ashes so closely with us. It is just something that comes up every once in a while.
Seeing her name. It is sometimes such a delight to see her name somewhere unexpected. And then other times I get hit with a baby name video and I’m scared I’ll see it. Or I see someone I somewhat know share they’ve named their daughter Madeline - this is super difficult. Such a mix of strong emotions.
People announcing pregnancy. It isn’t that I feel bitter or jealous. I think it is just such a reminder. My husband and I talk about how many we see in a day or week and it is hard. With social media and smartphones it just feels like it is so in our faces some days and that’s hard.
Others who have experienced loss. Seeing others walk through this or any sort of loss - I just have a deeper empathy for them. And then seeing people who I know have experienced loss going on to have successful pregnancies and the camaraderie I feel for them.
Hearing her memorial service song unexpectedly. I think it hurts because I’m still in the middle of the messy… wrestling with God still. But I feel guilty because shouldn’t hearing (the worship song) be this beautiful reminder? Grief is messy. It was sang at church one Sunday and this was back when we were still freshly grieving and I had to leave the auditorium. It felt so overwhelming I just couldn’t handle being around people in that moment.
The boys never got to “meet” her. Was that the right choice? Her body was rapidly deteriorating in the 12 hours we held her and while she looked like a fully formed baby just small, she had sustained some sort of injury in the process and it just all would’ve been too much for their young eyes. Logically, yes, I think it was the right choice given the circumstances - but oh how I wish I could’ve just held them all three at once for just a moment.
Her photos. We chose not to show photos that actually show what she looked like because of how sacred it feels. And I don’t know why but it feels like sometimes the fact no one knows what she looked like makes it easy for it to seem to others like she wasn’t really real. And I struggle with that. A lot.
My living babies. I can’t even put into words how miraculous it is that any one of us is alive. I look at Henry and Teddy constantly in such awe of creation. I am so honored to be their mother and to get to witness their lives.
What caused her demise. There are so many questions I have about what happened, how it happened, if I did the right things. I probably won’t get those answers until I make it to heaven one day. Maybe at some point though, I can share more about what explanations we have explored or consider looking into.
Okay that’s all I think I want to share at this point. If you read this, thank you. I don’t know what to say other than it makes me feel weird to share because I worry how uncomfortable it might be for others to read. So thank you. And if you have questions, I am open to answering them.