Madeline’s Due Date: Grief Waves

I don’t know how to approach her due date. Sharing my thoughts as we navigate this chapter of miscarriage grief in hopes maybe it helps someone else who had a pregnancy loss, miscarriage, stillbirth, or the friend of someone going through this? I’m no expert but I’m sharing because it’s something I would want to read. 🤍

Its proximity has brought a huge wave of grief but it’s hard to wrap my head around because it also doesn’t feel as pertinent as when we met & lost her. Partly because that became her “birthday” and partly just where due dates don’t really mean that’s when a baby comes. And her brothers both arrived during week 39.

So I think that’s why the past week has felt so heavy. A lot of “should’ve been” thoughts swirling in my head. Should’ve been washing tiny pink clothes. Should’ve been cooking freezer meals for postpartum. Should’ve been taking final bump pics with my sister. Should’ve been welcoming a newborn any day now… the thoughts would bubble up constantly in recent days. Mid sentence about something completely unrelated and I’d catch my voice crack. Or fighting back a tear as I read a book to the boys one afternoon that mentioned a sister. Moving clothes from the washer to the dryer and feeling overcome with emotion. And I guess I learned over the holidays it’s better not to fight it. Not to push it all down. Let myself feel it.

So I don’t know how to handle Sunday. I decided for other reasons to do a social media detox and it’ll start tomorrow and I think that will be additionally beneficial to just stay off line for a while and give myself more space to grieve. Granted that wasn’t the driving motive in the detox but it certainly plays a part. There’s too much noise. I’m overwhelmed by it all and I feel downright weary. My heart is saying enough is enough, we need quiet. Peace. Healing.

As with our boys, Darrell has given me a thin signet ring with each babies initial as a present at the hospital when they’re born. We couldn’t make that happen on such short notice back in August but he had one made and it arrived yesterday. I treasure this stack of thin bands so much. Something I can wear daily. I have worn out the beaded bracelet I hastily ordered the week after we lost her so I could have something with her name on it. I’ve worn it everyday and the beads are starting to look rough. Definitely not real jewelry but it means so much to me. So I’m grateful to have a piece of real jewelry to remember her by.

My sweet friend surprised me with ice cream, cookies & flowers on our doorstep last night and it just meant the world that anyone remembered or cared at all. Mourning a baby that only we met is so very isolating. No shared memories with others so it just often feels like it was a blip in the memories of anyone outside our home.

I’ll go to Trader Joe’s in the morning and pick up more flowers in Madeline’s honor (this was just something I really wanted to do and what harm is more flowers anyway). I’ll paint my nails a soft shade of pink. I’ll listen to Billie Holiday like most days but I’ll endure M’s song (I’ll Be Seeing You) and let its words seep in. We’ll go to church on Sunday and I’ll snuggle Teddy for his naps a little longer. We’ll skip watching the superbowl for [battery operated] “candle dinner” (candle lit dinners plus a few lamps for just right dim lighting has become a cozy little thing we do every once in a while and the boys love it and are really pretty calm). We will pray as a family and miss our girl together.